Yet Another One

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

10:08PM

I realize on nights like this how few friends I really have. And it makes me sad. My plans for the weekend were suddenly changed by an unfortunate event. While I understand the necessity of canceling, it leaves me with a completely free weekend with no ideas. And no friends. Jodie is in Florida, Kirk Miles Kyle are in Portland, Krystan is in Finland, Amanda is in Boston. Who else is there? No one really. That's six people I can think of who I would like to hang out with. Six is a lonely number. I complain about those girls who only talk about their boyfriends or husbands because that is the only other person they interact with, and yet, that is essentially the situation I'm in. Beyond my coworkers and roommates, Evan is the only other person I see on a regular basis. He hangs out with his friends fairly regularly, but I still feel like they are "his" friends. I don't feel as though I could call any of them up and suggest we go hang out without Evan there. Perhaps I should though. Invite the girls out on a girls night. It could be fun. I'm probably too damn shy to do it. And a hypocrite. I never feel included, but I don't put myself out there. This is why I have so few friends- and none who live anywhere near me. I'm so bad at meeting people. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know what to talk about, i don't know how to start things. I would much rather stand in the corner and sulk. During an average week, I don't necessarily have the time to go out and do things and since I still don't have a car, my options are limited. At one point, I had considered joining a knitting circle, but could never find one that really worked with my schedule.

I long for those days when I was constantly heading out for crazy antics with my friends. And I never know how much of this feeling is my fault. Is it my fault that I don't have many friends here? Should I blame myself for acting antisocially? How do I solve this problem? That's where I get stuck. At least from this angle, there are no clear solutions because, despite how easy it may sound, any suggestions will automatically feel unnatural and out of my reach.

So I'll just sit here, outside, watching Kirby chew on himself and feel sorry for myself. A fantastic Saturday night.

On a completely different spectrum, i've been thinking alot about domesticity lately. It is a strange and new idea. Wanting a place of one's own- and not just wanting to have a place, but wanting to take care of some place because it is yours. After watching the dishes pile up here for over a week, only to be done once Sterling said something (had it been me, they would still be sitting there), I feel so ready to be on my own. Or with Evan. (Is it too early to say that, at 7 months? Fuck it, I don't care, I'll say it mostly because I won't be acting on this for a while.) At my own house, I could let my cat roam around freely because I would be controlling windows and doors. The dishes would be done in a timely manner. I wouldn't have to worry about disturbing my roommates, or having them disturb me. I would care more about the yard. "Let's open up a restaurant in Sante Fe. Sunny Sante Fe would be nice."

It probably doesn't help that all the people I do interact with have settled down. They all have steady partners, husbands, wives, etc and are buying or creating houses. Granted, they are all at least a few years older than I am, but it does change your point of view if everyone around you has become an "adult." It does bring up that old issue of Eugene. Is this the town I want to settle down in? I know that I feel no draw to Portland and Salem is definitely out of the picture, but is Eugene really home? How long must I live here before I really figure out the answer?

Saw Brendan for the first time in a long time today. It made me realize how far removed I am from that life.

....

Usually I feel better after I blog about being depressed and lonely. Tonight, I do not. I still feel depressed and lonely. No one to call. And I am not tired enough to just head bedwards. blah.

....

It has been about 3 months since I've talked to my dad. Haven't talked to mom in about a month- and then it was just an email. I should call mom tomorrow. But i'm almost curious to see how long dad will go without talking to me. We have such shitty phone conversations that I really do hate to call him. Is that passive aggressive? Whatever. Too busy playing the victim to care.

"No good deed goes unpunished. That's my new creed."

Current mood: lonely

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Monday, May 4, 2009

7:58AM

I feel like I need a new plan of attack. Also, I feel super guilty that I haven't been around probably as much as I should have. Let me explain the situation. I just adopted a cat. Her name is Farrah and she is a semi-feral cat that was at SARA's. I had chosen her because she really trusted me at the store, following me around, begging for attention, being more loving around me than anyone else. I finally decided that getting a cat was a good idea. I mean, hell, I know so many people who have animals and can't necessarily afford them. Plus, a cat is a good starter animal (as horrible as that is to say) because they are alot more independent than dogs. I could, theoretically, leave Farrah in my house over night with some food and water and she would be okay, whereas if I had a dog, that would be less than ideal.

So I went through all the necessary steps, filled out the paperwork and brought her home on Friday. It was a traumatizing ordeal for the both of us. We had attempted to put her in a kennel but she lodged herself in a very large cat tree and would not budge. I ended up coming back several hours later and she had moved enough that we could scruff her and shove her into a smaller cat tree. We then wrapped some cardboard around it and drove her to my house (which is across the street from SARA's).

She is pissed. And scared. I decided that I wanted to give her space, so that very first day, I just let her sit in her cat tree while I did something else in the house. Saturday morning, I went to work like usual and then was home early afternoonish. She had most definitely come out of her little cat tree because she went from the top hole to the bottom hole. I took that as a sign that things were improving. But then here is where I believe I made my fatal mistake. Instead of staying home like I probably should have, I went out and about Saturday, thinking that she needed time alone to start feeling comfortable in my room. I came back saturday night, slept here, and then left again sunday afternoon. Whenever I'm here, she is in her hole and refuses to come out.

All sunday afternoon, i was worried sick about her because it didn't look like she had eaten or gone to the bathroom in two days. I had gone out and boughten her the most expensive cat food, because apparently that's all she eats, and left it out for her. When I came home Sunday night, it looks as though she has eaten a little something and she had used the litter box. This made me feel alot better. Farrah, however, is still pissed. At least, she is still pissed at me. Because during the time that I came home and went to bed (no more than 2 hours), she decided to piss on my bed. Stupidly, I have not bought any Nature's Miracle (a stain and odor remover), so my bed still smells like cat piss. Not wanting to sleep on cat pee, i slept on the sofa last night. Had a dream where I had left some sort of smelling solution in my room and it had flooded and now my carpets were wet and smelled utterly disgusting. Once I awoke from that dream, I decided to go back into my room. Farrah has most definitely ventured out of her hole. There was evidence in the form of: mirror knocked over, lamp knocked over, corner of my tapestry hanging down, stuff knocked off dresser, the closet a mess, and what I believe to be, another circle of cat piss on my bed (which had been stripped of linens).

My goal for today is to stay in my room. Obviously, I will have to leave long enough to eat and go to the bathroom, but I want to stay with her. Perhaps she will journey outside while I'm here. I don't really know what to do though. Do I sit here and ignore her, waiting for her to feel calm enough to venture out? do I attempt to coerce her out? I don't want her to keep peeing on my bed. I don't want her to be mad at me. Perhaps I just should have been home yesterday. The whole point of getting her this weekend was because I had all weekend to spend with her. And have I spent any time with her? No. Instead, it's probably been like a prison, completely new and unfamiliar, scary, and lonely. I feel like shit. I just want to do right by her, give her a home where she doesn't have to deal with all those other cats and the assholes who come into the store. I understand that it will take time. She is not going to crawl into my lap and start purring just because I "saved" her. She doesnt understand that. Eventually she will be happy, right? I have done the right thing, right?

Current mood: worried

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

10:22PM

Recently, I've been rather depressed. I'm not quite sure why. Work is going well. I've seen my friends recently. I love spending time with Evan. Yet, I almost feel like i'm back where I was four, five years ago. Depressed, jealous, self-conscious. What happened to my confidence? Why am I looking to other people to make me happy? Is this what being in a relationship does to me?

I also keep having trouble speaking. Somehow my brain and mouth are just not working on the same level or at the same pace. I misspeak and stumble around my words all the time now. Has being away from school really negatively affected me? I sometimes wonder if i've become stupider, forgotten all i learned, joined the ranks of the ignorant masses.

Part of me wants to do a whole detoxification. Flushing out my toxins and starting anew sounds so good. There's just this omnipresent urge to purge (haha oh rhymes).

Tomorrow is a new day. I should use it to create some positive energy. And now I read, because that uses my brain.

"But they told me
A man should be faithful
And walk when not able
And fight till the end
But I'm only human"

Current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, February 8, 2009

11:00PM

I'm in a rather strange mood. I'm not sure if i'll be able to express myself clearly. "I let my music take me where my heart wants to go." Made a strange contemplative playlist and am highly distracted by the words of others. It's not necessarily sadness, because I'm rather content. hormones? perhaps.

I think I'm waiting for the next big thing. Something to pull my focus. I think I'm also missing everything old. I haven't really talked to any of my friends in a long while. Everyday, I say i'm going to call Kirk and then I get distracted. My conversations with miles have been rather lackluster. Kyle just says hi before running off. Even hanging out with jodie has been strange. I don't like seeing each other when we have to see each other. There's no spontaneity. We plan our excursions a week in advance. And it can only be a certain time. I miss being able to call her up and see if they want to have dinner with me. I miss crashing on Kirk's mattress in the middle of the floor, walking over to Freddies for random cravings, heading over to the nicks' place. I miss going up to salem, playing board games with the boys, sleeping on miles' small bed while he's at work.

I hate that they're so far away from me. i hate that I feel so removed from them. This life I'm transitioning to is new and exciting and it makes me happy. I want to share that with them, but every time i invite them down, it doesn't work out.

I miss Gary too. I haven't talked to him since he left, really. Unfortunately. There are so many things I would like to share with him, but for some reason, i am so bad at keeping in contact with him. And nancy for that matter. I hate doing the whole laundry list of what has been happening. It leaves so little room for actual interaction. If only I could go back to france. Just to eat at nancy's house, with the windows open and the only noise being the crickets, Eucienne in the corner being constantly told "au pannier!," watching the tv above the fridge. Lisa said it took her 10 years to get back to france. I hope it doesn't take me that long. Always loyal, but I'm afraid that everything will be a distant memory if it goes that long.

"And I don't mind if you burn my soul."

Completely randomly, I've been missing brendan lately. He clearly didn't think so much about our friendship, even though we lived together for a year and a half. All these things have been coming up recently that make me think of him. I didn't think we moved away on bad terms, but who knows with that boy.

maybe I just need to get out eugene for a day. That sounds lovely. Or maybe a good nights sleep. . .

Current mood: nostalgic

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

8:58PM

I am so stressed out.

-i'm still not sure how I fit into S.A.R.A's. I get along pretty well with a few of the girls there. The cats are adorable. But it's so fucking stressful. I still ask alot of questions because that is my nature. If i'm not sure, i would rather ask 20 times than do it and get yelled at. (I blame my mother for this trait of mine.) And i still fuck up. But I've only been a supervisor there for a little over a month, working only 3 days a week. Shouldn't they be a little forgiving of that?

So there's been all this drama going on at Sara's lately. This is mostly why i'm stressed. They recently restructured the management and one of the girls, Jackie, who has been there for over a year was not promoted. She was super pissed about this and has been whiny about it ever since. They've had issues with her lately not doing work and then bitching about stuff. Yesterday it all came to a head, when Mel, the boss, noticed that $50 was missing from the safe. After asking everyone (who all of course denied stealing it) and having a fight with Jackie who was super rude about the issue, Mel called everyone about a supervisors meeting for today at noon. It didn't really concern me (they know I didn't take it) so I didn't need to go. But last night, Jackie calls me and asks me if Mel and Nicole (the assistant manager) had gotten any more pleasant by the end of the day. And then when I told her about the meeting, she feigned ignorance and said she couldn't go. She was the one person they wanted there. Then today, another supervisor ran into Jackie at the library at the same time that the meeting was supposed to be happening. So of course, Mel and Nicole were furious. Tonight, i get a text from Jackie saying that she quit and that I should watch my back because Nicole wants to make me quit next.

In my insecure, stressed out, tired state, I sorta freak out at this news. Jackie has a history of lying, so she may just be spreading rumors. But what if it's true? They are not good at actually talking to people about issues. I'm half tempted to sit down with Mel and Nicole and ask them what they think so far about me and my performance. It would be so strange to have someone say they are unsatisfied with me as an employee. Usually, employers are super bummed to see me go.

And that paragraph? That long, complicated paragraph? I am not in middle school, why do i have to deal with middle school bullshit? Fucking drama. I cannot handle it. It's bad enough at foxy dog where we gossip and badmouth the other girls. Did I just happen to choose the two most gossipy/ drama-filled places to work? Or are all places this bad?!

I keep having dreams about Sara's. I stress about it on days when I don't even work there. Is it too much? How much longer can I deal with this?

-What's funny is how the girls at Foxy Dog looks like saints compared. But I am, of course, having issues there as well. I asked Jess about doing more haircut stuff, to which she replied in a condescending tone of voice, "We need to talk about that." My first thought was that she does not want to teach me and essentially this will become a dead end job, not getting me any closer to a career. However, she has been making/ letting me a bit more scissor work and such, talking a little more about faces and such (faces are my biggest issue). So while I'm working slowly, i'm not doing exactly what I want. Perhaps soon. I want it just fucking do it already. I feel so ready. My dogs would look like shit at first and that's expected. But I can't learn if I don't do it. Not in this business.

soon. soon. soon!

-I often hate being the responsible one. While I like doing things because I then know it gets done, it puts so much stress on me. In the past few weeks, I have done everything having to do with housing. Kellyn says "I want to move out" and I go into my crazy housing mode. You don't fuck with housing haha. I found this amazing, incredible house which reminds me alot of Ramsi's corvy house. I am so fucking excited to move in there. The best thing about it? Literally across the street from both my jobs. No more 45 minute commutes! Woot!

But that means we must deal with this house. To break our lease, we have to pay $250, plus two weeks rent, plus rent until it's leased out again. I put an ad out on craigslist and have received over a dozen responses. There is a couple looking at the house tomorrow night. Kellyn currently owes me $350+. I told him that if he paid the $250, i would take the rest as a loss just to get out of this situation. I also told him I would pay the two weeks rent. So all Kellyn has to pay is $250, plus $295 for November's rent. $545 total. That's it. I theoretically have to pay $1570 in november (rent here, plus the two weeks rent, plus first and last months rent at the new place plus part of the deposit at the new place). I know i can pay for stuff at Sunnyside Manor (the name of my new house) in december. But I do pay quite a bit more than Kellyn, since he hasn't helped with utilities for september or october.

But! But I have a feeling that Mr. Kellyn is going to bitch and moan about how he has no money (because he spends it all on pot and going out) and can't afford it. I CAN'T FUCKING PAY IT ALL. He is fucking me over AND I'M SO GODDAMN SICK OF BEING USED! He has 9 days to come up with the money. Our 30 days notice needs to be in by the first because I am moving out on the 2nd and don't want to pay rent here in december.

And when all is said and done, who knows what will become of Kellyn and me. I will most likely not see him. And perhaps that's better in the long run. He's a cool guy, but so completely irresponsible. Though, how many of my friends have it all together? not very many.



So this is what has happened to my october. I have a fun weekend planned and I hope it will be grand. I'm going to portland either saturday night if i can find a ride or sunday morning. "Spring Awakening" is Sunday afternoon and i do believe miles and possibly kirk are coming, which would make my weekend. Hanging out with andrew, seeing his new place, possibly going out with emily. I need it. Then tuesday is my birthday and I imagine it will suck ass because tuesdays are my worst day. Then halloween, party hopping. Moving. and moving on.

Well, at least writing about this stuff made me feel a little better.

Current mood: stressed

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Monday, October 6, 2008

4:36PM

My life is now falling apart. It's awesome. I was warned of such an event, but I chose to have faith. Where did it get me? Perhaps it was too hasty, responding to that ad. He had just informed of his desire to move out. Yet, as much as it would put me out financially, I believe I would really enjoy moving. There are so many positive sounding aspects to this place. 1) Closer to work, so I could potentially spend less time commuting. 2) She has animals, which excites me. 3) It's someone new. This could lead to new friends and new experiences. Always a positive thing for me. I just worry that if I inform Kellyn of the monetary obligations, he will freak out and expect me to pay for all it. I absolutely refuse. I can afford it, but only if he helps me out. He should have budgeted better when he had his $2300. This is real life. And sometimes you have to forfeit your extra-curricular activities so you can afford to live somewhere. It sucks, but it's called being a responsible adult. "Nothing to figure out. I gotta get him out. It's time the truth was out that he don't give a shit about me." I suppose it's true that friends and money just don't mix well.

It feels as though the only person I can truly trust is myself. I know i'm honest and responsible. I know I won't screw myself over. I know I won't play with my emotions and give wishy-washy answers when a simple "yes" or "no" will more than suffice. And yet, I let myself fall back into an emotional gray area. Is it the mere fact of our closeness? If I step back and examine my position, will I find the same answer I've already found? Would it go unnoticed if I stepped back? Took a break? And I am so amazed at how quickly I went from relief to loneliness. Maybe it has to do with the box- this screen I let consume hours of my time. I put so much into this odd facet of reality. Think about how much of my life has passed on the internet, this strange world that exists but at the same time does not. Do my troubles with people stem from the isolated nature of the online world? Isn't it meant to connect people? "Please forgive me for my distance."

And is asking for two days too much? Really? This is what hurts me the most. It's like I live on the moon. Eugene is a bubble, I'll admit, which is apparently very good at keeping everyone out. Two days. And I get a guilt trip. Maybe it's because I ask for it. I beg for it. I plead for it. And so I appear desperate. Perhaps this is the stem of my problems. Desperation. How often do we act out of desperation? I don't feel as though I'm asking for too much. In fact, this is the least of what I would expect. "Hunger hurts but I wanted it so bad, oh it kills cuz I know i'm a mess that he don't want to clean up."

"I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb, looking for a little hope."

Current mood: thoughtful

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Monday, August 25, 2008

5:24PM

Oh, comme le français me manque. Je passe des jours en l'écoutant ou en le lisant. Je veux tellement y retourner. Ca me rend surprise parce qu'il fait qu'un seul an depuis que je suis rentrée. Mais chaque jour, je me sens de plus en plus eloignée du pays. Je n'avais pas pensé qu'elle était si proche de moi, si enterrée dans mon coeur. Lorsque je faisais ces disques pour lui, j'ai imaginé la première fois que j'ai entendu les chansons. Ah la nostalgie! En fait, je crois que la chose qui me manque la plus, c'est moi et comment j'ai changé. Je veux retourner pour être une personne differente, pour grandir encore plus. En réalité, c'est bête, je peux le faire ici très bien. Mais ici, tout est le même, ça ne change pas, ou à peine.

Prenons moi. Je suis exactement à la même place où j'étais il y a 2 ans. Même boulot, même sort de type, presque la même situation avec elle. Il me semble que presque rien n'a changé. Et pourtant, beaucoup a evolué. Je me plains mais ça sert à rien si je ne fais pas un effort. Et j'essaie de le faire. Je lui demande des questions, je fais des soirées, je lis ou regarde quelque chose constamment. J'ai essayé de faire quelque chose de mon travail mais il faut que j'en fasse encore plus. J'attendrai jusqu'à mercredi et puis je lui parlerai. C'est sure.

Et j'espère que mes projets arriveront. j'en ai besoin. Vraiment. Pour voir plutôt que de m'amuser. Sinon, qu'est-ce qui peut arriver? Pour ça, je veux pas attendre. Je suis impatiente. Je formule des idées dans la tête et on verra (comme toujours) ce qui va passer. Oh mais j'éspère bien!

Current mood: nostalgic

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

10:50PM

I'm torn. It sorta feels like nothing happened. Like I still need some proof. Maybe it's because I'm still exactly the same. So what do I do about everything else? Ignore it? Explain what happened? Do I want to burn every bridge?

I suppose I should try to look at this as a test. I know everything in theory, so let's put it to practical use. As long as I keep a good internal monologue going, I imagine I can overcome the past issues.

Current mood: lazy

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

8:36PM

So today was much better. I got a text from josh and hopefully things are okay. With any luck, we'll go out this weekend. I'm such a girl sometimes i can't even stand it.

And then at work, Barbara (the new groomer) was spending ages on this super simple bath dog. She turns to Jess to ask her how to tidy the feet. Jess takes one look and then sends me over to do one foot so that Barbara can copy it. Barbara then takes her thinning shears, clips two hairs on the top of the foot I just did and asks me if that's right. I'm not quite sure what she was doing. anyway, when she was all done, I was the one who checked over her feet. But just the fact that Jess trusted me and my skills enough to supervise the new person (a groomer no less, who is sorta higher up on the food chain of foxy dog haha) makes me so happy! She never bothers to check my dogs anymore. Because I know what i'm doing and I'm good at it. Now if i could only get started on those haircuts . . .

Then to make my day even better, when I was over at Sara's Treasures (where i'm now volunteering and absolutely love!), I didn't fuck up using the register once! I'm usually so bad at it, since we don't use one at foxy dog. I just rocked the house today! haha

(what a funny emoticon!)

Current mood: accomplished

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Monday, July 14, 2008

10:11PM

well, things are not looking good. And I'm just left here asking "what the fuck?" I don't understand at all.

So, i had started seeing this guy who is amazingly cool and we got along really well. We hung out a handful of times and things were going swimmingly. The last time we went out, he kissed me goodnight. And now, he hasn't returned either of my phone calls (there was a period of 5 days in between them) and I'm afraid that's that. But I don't know why. He gave absolutely no indication that he wasn't interested; hell, we had tentatively made plans for saturday. And he doesn't seem like the type of guy to just not call back- he was seriously one of the most polite people i've ever met. So, wtf mate? I've been ranting about this for a few days now and will probably continue to do so until i talk to jodie- the only other person to have met him. And then i'll be back at square one. But the thing that sucks the most is that during those few weeks we were hanging out, I was so incredibly happy. Oh well. Such is life, right?

I wish i could meet people easily. Now it's almost a defiant stance. I will pretty much outright refuse to talk to people I don't know. But then, how the hell do you meet people? I know pretty much no one in town. My second attempt at a knitting circle failed. I have one more option, but after that I don't know what to do. I really wish my roommate would get back in town. I'm tired of being here at the house by myself. Plus, i miss him. I think he'll be back this week, though. And tomorrow, I should call binh. She's here too i think. I'm going to try and not be as isolated as i've made myself this last week.

And while everyone seems to be getting along socially at work, I'm not in the place where I want to be. Jess hired a new groomer who just fails. She's horrible. All the other groomers think that I would be farther along than she is if Jess had started me when I asked back in January. I don't want to sound snobby, but I think i would too. This woman can't even tell the difference between a pug and a pekenese. I know so much about haircut and I'm so anxious and excited to start. But with this new woman, who knows when jess will have the time and patience to start training me. I know she's probably afraid of loosing me as a bather, and i'm not all that anxious to be on commission, but i just want to do it already. Perhaps this week, I'll talk to her. Most likely I'll just keep going and get more and more frustrated at how little i'm doing.

In other news, went to country fair yesterday. It was a good day- saw jason webley twice haha. It was nice to see the cousins and andrew, but it was kristy's first time and we spent way more time wandering around than i would have liked. I just wanted to sit and chill, but it was hard when you're essentially with a group of 5. But it was fun quand meme.

Well, I feel a little better now. A little more social? Nice to get stuff out there in a tangible form (haha how tangible is the internet really?). But now, it's sleep time!

Current mood: pessimistic

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Friday, July 11, 2008

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

9:56PM

I can't believe i've gotten myself into this same predicament. It's sorta pathetic actually. I am even actively trying to find something else and my silly reasoning for not letting it work puts me right back here, more determined than ever. Perhaps it was a bit different before because I wasn't necessarily afraid of losing something. Now, I'm scared that it wouldn't survive. And I really could not have that happen at this point in time. I rely so heavily on it that losing it would be terrible.

I suppose I'll have to say something soon despite the fact that I feel sorta like a snatch. I mean, I am the one that initiated it. But I can't do it, really. There is no way I could see myself in that situation.

In other news, everyone is moving away. Gary returns to France in 16 days. Kirk is moving back to Washington for the summer and then to Portland. At some point, Kyle and Miles are moving to Portland. Jodie and Ryan hope to be there in the fall. Ramsi is also moving to p-town. Easier to visit everyone? Perhaps. But I really hope big changes are not on the horizon. I like how things are now. I feel as though I've gotten into a good routine. But maybe it won't be as bad as I'm envisioning. Maybe things will magically fall into place.

I finished my first knitting project. It originally started as baby blanket for my coworker who just gave birth. But it turned out a little different than i had anticipated. It is, in fact, twice as long as it needs to be. It'll be warm and have lots of room to wrap around, but I am a little embarrassed to give it as a gift. Hopefully Diane can make me feel better about it tomorrow.

Current mood: mellow

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Monday, April 28, 2008

2:55PM

It's been quite a long time since I've posted anything in here. I wonder if anyone would even notice that I posted anything.

All I really want to ramble about this time is how I'm longing for stability. I want to stay in a house longer than a year. I'd like to start establishing a home. Move all my shit out of my parents house. Settle into a career. The only problem is that I'm still so far away from that goal. I do not want to stay in Eugene. My job is wonderful and I could obtain a good training there, but then i'm out. East coast maybe? Hopefully. I might miss my friends too much, but who knows where they'll all be at that point. Portland probably. Everyone wants to move to portland except me. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens in a year. If I do move into a house with the boys, that could lead to some interesting prospects...

I'm hungry but don't like anything my parents have to eat. Coming up to salem has been nice. It's been too long since i've hung out with my friends here.

Current mood: cold

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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

7:30PM

Lately, I've had this desire to start over. Fresh. New. But more than that, I want to go back to certain moments and change a little thing (be it what i said or what i ate or how i reacted) and see how things would have turned out. I only want that because I find it so hard to start over right now. It might take some really slow steps, but I hope I'll get to where I want to be. And the fact that I'm not necessarily just sitting here, whining and doing nothing, is something to be proud of. I actually have ideas. Plans.

I finally get to go back to work tomorrow. It feels like it's been forever. I've had two very epic weekends in a row and I'm ready for some days of dog washing. And I am bound and determined to get that goddamn spot on the sanitary that i keep missing. And work quicker. Goals for the week!

Spring shall be good. I shall make it good. Affirmation, confirmation.

alright, tv time haha =)

Current mood: cheerful

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Friday, January 25, 2008

9:08PM

The conundrum of travel: always glad to get away, always happy to return. My trip to Vermont was revitalizing, really. I had such an amazing time without doing anything particularly spectacular. The surprise went over without a hitch. Amanda had been prepping them all week of a gift she was picking up from Burlington on Monday. So when I arrived, she hid me in the bathroom, made sure they were all in the room, got me. I walked in, Becky and Steph recognize me and start screaming. They tackle me in the hallway with hugs galore. Miss Becky was reduced to tears out of sheer joy and shock. Poor Dan Kelley was so confused. Amanda had to say "It's karen" to which he said "You brought me Karen?! [as a birthday gift]" And then of course we had to explain to the rest of their friends why Becky was crying over this stranger. People kept telling me how amazing I must be to warrant a reaction like that. ;)

Honestly, those people were the best part of my trip. Sure, it was lovely to visit the east coast, to see vermont in all her snowy beauty (because she was amazingly beautiful). But more than anything, I really enjoyed hanging out with this group of friends I had heard so much about but never met. I'd see dozens of pictures of them and their adventures, so actually meeting them in person was cool. And we all clicked so well. They were essentially like my group of friends (though moreso in our high school era). For example, they sat around playing video games, trying to figure out how to run linux on a mac, discussing which was a better comeback: "your face is [insert previously spoken phrase]" or "so is your face." They're all language (and some are science) people; all spent time abroad; all love musical theater (one girl was in a production of "sweeney todd" for her j-term class). They were definitely more touchy feely than us, but I am not claiming this is a bad thing. And while it is usually hard to step into a well-established group, within a day, I was in the groove, talking and teasing like I had been friends with them for years. It was lovely, really.

And it was so nice to have long talks about life with them as well. Amanda and I had lunch one day (in this gorgeous dining hall with huge windows so we could watch the falling snow!) and just talked about anything and everything- just like we used to do in France. I realize how much I miss that. I haven't done that much lately and I think that's partly why I've been so depressed.

As far as what I did goes, I walked around campus, went to Burlington for an evening, sat in on Becky's interpretation class, went to Amanda's a cappella group's rehearsal. It was ridiculously cold but I was quite thrilled to see so much snow.

The trip home was eventful. Flying back was no problem- it was only once I landed in Portland did my troubles begin. I went directly from the airport to the bus station to buy my ticket for the 7pm bus to Eugene. And then I went out to dinner with Andrew, Emily, and Sascha. It was nice to visit with them (though at this point, I was so tired, having woken up at 2am Oregon time and flown for 6 hours that I was slightly bitchy). Emily wanted to show me their place, so we stop by. Realize at 6.45 that I need to head out. Get to the bus station, and the Greyhound bus has already left. It left early! They NEVER leave early! So I had to pay an extra $10 and take the 10pm bus. Fortunately, Emily and Sascha were nice enough to let me come back and hang out for another few hours. We smoked a bowl and played this game that sounds dumb but was rather fun. You roll dice until you get 10,000 points (there are certain ways of earning points). Wanting to be extra early this time, I head back to Union Station around 9. But this time the bus is delayed. It doesn't even arrive in Portland until 11.30 pm. I didn't get home until 2am this morning and then had to wake up at 6.30 to go to work. Good thing I can sleep on the bus!

I was supposed to go hang out with Aaron today (this guy I met in Danish class last term who I became friends with) but I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't ever want to hang out with me. We've been emailing each other a bunch- he's always good about getting back to me. But every time I invite him to do something, he can't. Finally, I pin him down to a time today to go have tea, and then he sends me a text saying he has to be at home because someone was coming to replace his window and that we'd go out this evening. Then I never heard back from him. I want to hang out with him because he's a cool guy but I can only keep offering so many times. Either you hang out with me or you don't.

And I feel like I haven't talked to kirk at all recently. I'm sorta embarrassed to admit I really miss him. I'm used to him having no life, like me, but he's been so uber busy with the theater and classes and such. And who knows the next time I can get up to corvallis to see him. I hope he's around this week because I definitely feel like I need to talk about stuff. (I'm such a girl sometimes it freaks me out hahaha).

. . . wow, I didn't actually mean to write so much. I guess I just had a lot to say. =)

Current mood: amused

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

7:32PM

I feel like I'm wasting away. I can't get it off my mind and yet I know I shouldn't make a mountain of a molehill. I've lost all my courage . . .

depression sucks

Current mood: lethargic

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Sunday, January 6, 2008

5:16PM

Rant:

I went to the movies last night ("Walk Hard" fucking hilarious, everyone should go see it). But when I bought my ticket, the counter person didn't just hand me a ticket. No, he handed me a scratch it from the National Guard. I realize what it is and start screaming about fucking propaganda at my goddamn movie theater (it's bad enough to have those 10 minute long commercials before the film). The guy sorta shrugs and gives me a look like "I agree but it's my job to pass them out." So this scratch it has a trivia question and then you're supposed to scratch off the correct answer, go online, and register to win "cool stuff" from the National Guard. But when I was reading it today, the promotion started 11/30/07 and ends 1/3/08, which was Thursday. I received this lovely paper yesterday, Saturday the 5th. The promotion was over and yet they're still handing it out. Fucking propaganda!! I guess that's what I get for going to the huge corporate cinema in town. I was pissed.

In other news, I can't believe school starts tomorrow. I don't really want the schedule to change. I like how things have been.

Current mood: anxious

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Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

8:23PM

Fuck. I guess I knew it was coming. I mean, look at how i reacted earlier. It should have been obvious. But we never notice anything while we're in the moment. Only looking backwards do we see the obvious. However, I do not know where to go from here. My normal "advice person" is out. Runner up is no good. And this situation is bad. I have several reasons why I must stop. . . My head tells me exactly how i should continue. Yet since I never seem to follow my head, i'll probably just fuck things up. I just wish I could confess and get it out of the way, move on.

In other news, xmas was okay. I'm so ready to start my own traditions. Doing the same thing every year just does not do it for me. The magic is gone. I was in Salem for less than 24 hours. I got a bunch of shit, but I'm tired of that. I had a really good time last year because it was different. This year? Laisse tomber. I guess I have a year to come up with something grand.

(p.s. i love that the apathetic star is too "eh" to form a star! haha yes!)

Current mood: apathetic

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